Using Logical Consequences – Conscious Discipline Skills

Using Logical Consequences – Conscious Discipline Skills


Welcome to Conscious Clips on our time together. Today we’re going
to talk about logical consequences. Teachers and parents are always asking
me, what about consequences? When do we get to the consequences? In
essence they’re saying, when can we nail them? When is enough enough, and this child’s going to pay for
the pain and disruption they have caused me and this classroom or our family? Those aren’t
consequences, those are punishments. There’s a difference between punishment
and consequences. Punishment rely on judgment. This that’s
happening is bad, you are guilty and deserve punishment. Consequences rely on reflection. Is
what’s going on okay with you? Are you getting truly what you wanted? If
not then change is necessary. So when we go
to set up consequences, it’s important for two things to occur.
One, we want to send a message to children that every thought, every feeling, every
choice has a consequence, and the second part is that you are responsible for what
happened and you have the power to
change it. The following is going to be a formula
to help you get started with logical consequences but now remember with
logical consequences you’ve already done a number of things to help the child be
successful before this is a skill that you decided
to use. You’ve assertively told them what to do, you’ve taught them how to do it, you’ve
given them choices to help them focus on being successful and you’ve celebrated and encouraged them
every step of the way. So consequences comes at end of all that. Often, we get there though so here’s a formula for doing that. You have a choice, you can take turns and cooperate with your
friend and play until your friend has to leave,
or you can continue to argue and fight and your friend will leave now. Another
example for older kids, you can drive the car and bring it home filled up with gas and
drive it again tomorrow. Or you can bring the car home empty and you will not drive the car for
two weeks. The second part of this is the follow
through on the consequences. It’s pretty much easy to say you won’t
drive the car, or your friend’s leaving now, but at that
point when you set that limit, the child’s gonna start either
complaining or whining, or begging, or screaming and that’s
when it’s important that we handle it in a way that they are left with responsibility
of their actions. One way to demonstrate this is through a book called Shubert Rants and Raves,
and I write the Shubert series and the Shubert books to help you learn skills
to deal with children and in this one, Mrs. Bookbinder’s going to
demonstrate how to do this. So here’s the set up of the book. Shubert
forgets his permission slip, all the other kids are going on a field
trip, she has pretty much said if you forget your slip you’re not
going, so here’s where we are in the story. Shubert is not going on a field trip, he’s
pretty upset, let’s watch how she handles it in this
book. She starts with “Oh Shubert, how disappointing for you. You
were so excited about field trip. You may not go without your
permission slip, it’s not safe. You can stay in the
library or with Miss Carol. Which is better for you?”
Shubert did not answer. He turned to walk away. He felt his
disappointment turn to anger and he got so mad that he started ranting and raving and throwing a fit. Mrs. Bookbinder felt him and heard Shubert’s anger. She immediately took a breath and said, “Oh Shubert, this is so disappointing. You were
excited about going and now you can’t. It seems like you’re having a difficult
time with all those feelings. You can handle this. It’s hard but you
can do it. Breathe with me.” Well Shubert, like any
other child, was not interested in breathing, he was getting madder and
madder and he did what most children did, I’m going to get my mother. She’s going to come
down to school and she’s going to rant and rave, and she’ll break down these rules.
So we see in the book Shubert’s mom
ranting and raving in Shubert’s mind to break down the rules. Mrs. Bookbinder
continues with leaving Shubert with the
responsibility of his actions by offering empathy. She says “It’s hard when things
seem out of your control. You seem so angry, you don’t know what to
do with all those feelings, you can handle this, breathe with me.”
Shubert wasn’t going to buy that either. This time he’s bringing the President of the United States in here
to make sure he goes on this field trip. This is representing times in our life
when children go “I hate you”, “Daddy would let me go.” This
also represents times in our lives when children would go “I’ll be good. Please let me do it this one
time. I won’t ever do this again.” So this President is kind of a metaphor
for all those ways children try to make this our problem. And here’s what
Mrs. Bookbinder does, she says, she turns to all the kids in
the class she says, “School family, Shubert needs our help. He forgot his
permission slip and will not be going on the field trip. He feels so angry, and having trouble
handling such a big disappointment. Let’s all wish him well.” So what the
class did was take a deep breath and wished him well. By this, by doing
this it cut his frustration level in half so that his feeling started to be
manageable and Shubert’s anger began to fade. He now feel sadness. Tears come to his
eyes. He wishes he had remembered his permission slip. After a minute, Shubert chooses to spend the
day in the library. As he walks to the library he begins to
sing a song: “I ranted and raved most the day to break down the rules and get my way,
I’m breathing now, I won’t fight any more, next time I’m going to tape the field
trip slip to the door.” By Mrs. Bookbinder offering empathy to the, let’s just say ‘mouth’, we get from
children once a limit is set, she was able to leave Shubert with the
responsibility of his actions so he could reflect upon what he’s done, instead of allowing Shubert to make it
the teachers fault for being so mean, or making it the teachers fault for not
understanding it was just a teensy-weensy mistake he’d never make again. I encourage you to practice using your
logical consequences when you have exhausted your list of other techniques. Use them, one, set them up so that
children see there is a positive action, a positive consequence, a negative action
to a negative consequence and also use empathy at the end. The hardest part about consequences is
not so much setting them up, it’s the follow-through. My hope for you is that you, and my hope for me, is that
we each can use Mrs. Bookbinder as a model. Offer
empathy for children when they make poor choices and in doing so they can take responsibility
for their actions, and know that their life is a result of inside choices, instead of outside forces. Until next time I wish you well.

10 thoughts on “Using Logical Consequences – Conscious Discipline Skills

  • August 13, 2013 at 3:13 am
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    punishment comes out of revenge.

    Reply
  • September 7, 2015 at 6:31 am
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    Best vid on subject. Been watching for hours. Thank you so much for sharing. Smiles…

    Reply
  • July 11, 2016 at 2:44 am
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    You are redefining the word punishment, a term LONG used in psychology to mean, "a behavior that decreases the likelihood of another behavior reoccurring" (operant conditioning). It is about reducing the likelihood of a behavior occurring in the future. Punishment and consequences is the exact same thing, and I do not want to speculate as to why you are playing a game of semantics with these words.

    Punishment is not about "deserving" anything or revenge. And what parent is frothing at their mouth to get revenge on their kid?

    That is not to say that the other things you say are not good, but asking about consequences is NOT the same as saying, "When can we make them pay."

    Reply
  • October 6, 2016 at 2:41 pm
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    Hi! I am looking for an appropriate logical consequence for a situation with my 13 yr old son. I am realizing that he is not attending to his daily piano practice as a means of getting power and attention from me. He knows that music is extremely important to me, so if he does not practice it is really MY problem. How can I positively turn this around, back off, and create an effective logical consequence? P.s. I get training at the Parent Encouragement Program in Kensington, MD! Thanks! Aimee

    Reply
  • January 8, 2017 at 3:21 pm
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    I am so greatful for the video you are an amazing person.. I cannot thank you enough for sharing your awesome expertise.. thank you ""

    Reply
  • October 2, 2017 at 2:14 am
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    my sister is having problems with her son and husband. dad doesn't discipline at all. they never follow through so the now 13 year old kid, who is very smart, uses tactics to get what he wants. my sister ends up yelling everyday and has totally had it.

    its hard to give her advice because she just doesn't listen. her life is groundhog day everyday. she has issues similar to her kids and husband. they all have no friends and rarely go outside or do anything physical. they have bad eating habits. basically everything is messed up. she wants help but part of her blocks it. she has high IQ so its hard for her to believe anything or trust it. she ends up thinking herself out of any help. so frustrating.

    i keep telling her all the help in the world, for almost anything, is online. i found this video in 10 minutes.

    Reply
  • February 17, 2018 at 9:32 pm
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    I wish it were required for all teachers and future teachers to be trained in conscious discipline….I see a better world

    Reply
  • May 28, 2018 at 12:53 am
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    She's beautiful. never had a mother, but if I had, I would of asked God for her.

    Reply
  • December 16, 2018 at 3:23 pm
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    I might be missing the point but if the mother came to the school, why didn’t she sign the permission slip?

    Reply

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